I wonder

Should I post blogs more often?

I wonder

Well, I almost made it to a year without posting a blog

But I couldn't resist.

Amongst the writing of a paper today, I stumbled upon some blogs written by some old friends and some new friends. I love reading blogs, I love knowing what is on the hearts of those who are close to me, whether or not we see each other regularly. One verse, however, stuck out to me very clearly:

A fool gives full vent to his anger,
but a wise man keeps himself under control. Proverbs29:11

Sometimes I joke about being a humble and patient person...but that's all they are...jokes.

The truth is, I'm a very prideful person. And patience...well...I don't want to talk about it besides saying I don't have it. But as of late, the places where I've really seen myself fail are in anger, in cynicism, and in overall pessimism. I've been told that for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic. Maybe, but that still makes me a pessimist. I like to tell myself that lately I've been more angry than usual because I am flat out exhausted and I don't have the energy to keep it in. While there is some truth to that, I still know it is merely a cowardly excuse. It may be that only the wise men know the secret to keeping themselves under control. In which case, I would have a great excuse, as I am not a wise person. Honestly, I could go on and make a ton of excuses without too much effort...I'm good at making up excuses. But no, I am writing this to be truthful and real.

I think it pretty much boils down to this: I am a fool.

A part of me wants to just leave it at that.
I think too many days I just leave it at that.
In fact, I may very well leave it at that every day.
So how the f am I living with purpose?

That's why I gave that blog this name...because I want to live with purpose. One of my favorite quotes is "live as if it were on purpose." I can't remember who said it. I feel like the people who I look up to and admire all have something in common...they all seem to live as if it were on purpose.

I think one of the steps one has to take to not be a fool is to live on purpose instead of on accident. Too often I live on accident. I must clarify that I don't think that life is an accident, I merely hope to illustrate the standpoint of one who let's life pass them by.

Long story short, I've got some goals...but right now the stress-filled caffeine high of a weekend is catching up to me. The last few minutes of rest have been nice and well-welcomed, but I'd still like a vacation. Bedtime now, there will be many more thoughts to record another day on this blog which may have the cheesiest url ever.

Just sayin'

Sometimes I wonder if I'll regret being so open in a place where anyone can read my thoughts and my heart.

I'm over it.

You are supposed to be...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I have to be a certain person around certain people. That I have to live up to what people think of me, and I feel really limited by that. At the Falls, I felt like I had a fresh start with the people I was meeting and I took advantage of that and acted the way I wanted to act around them, and was the person I wanted to be around them...I liked who I was at school. Now it is summer and I am seeing friends who I have not seen for quite some time, and it is almost as if I instantaneously reverted back to my old self, a version of myself I had no problem leaving in high school.

This is really frustrating.

In the fall I leave for Western Washington University and I think it will be another chance at a fresh start for me, I know a lot of people there so it won't be a completely clean slate, but nonetheless it will be a great chance for me to be who I want to be. And this is all fine and good enough, but when has "good enough" really been, good enough.

Its not.

It never has been.

I don't want to spend my summer reverting back to a person I'm not happy being. I can't spend my life waiting for another chance at a fresh start. I need to be who I want to be today.

Here in lies my dilemma.

How do I live the way I want to live, the way God is calling me to live, today instead of waiting for September to make things a little easier? How do I convince people that I've changed and that I am not the person that they are expecting to find when they come home for summer? More importantly, how do I stop worrying about what people think of me and start loving them the way Christ is calling me to love them? Because at the end of the day, that is what I want to be doing more than anything else.

Some Songs That I've Been Thinking About Lately

Break My Heart

I found my hope in you
And I found strength and comfort too
why is the forgetting so easily done
Remembering hard just remember to run...

And I    wasn't aware that I needed anyone
And I    wasn't aware that I needed you...

Break my heart with the things that break yours
Break my heart and make it purer
Break my heart with the things that break yours
Break my heart

When I am weak then you are strong
When I am helpless you carry me on
Still the forgetting is too easily done
Remembering nothing that I should have learned


All I Can Say

Lord I’m tired – so tired from walking
And Lord I’m so alone
And Lord the dark is creeping in – is creeping up
To swallow me
I think I’ll stop, and rest here awhile

This is all that I can say right now
(I know it’s not much)
This is all that I can give
(That’s my everything)

Didn’t you see me crying?
Didn’t you hear me call your name?
Wasn’t it you I gave my heart to?
I wish you’d remember where you set it down.

I didn’t notice you were standing there
I didn’t know that that was you holding me
I didn’t notice you were crying too
I didn’t know that that was you washing my feet

So David Crowder rocks!

Something that stood out above everything else at the show tonight was something David said in between songs. "If we all lived like we sing, that world would be a better place." I need to live like I sing.

A Meditative Prayer

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going, I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton